Friday, December 14, 2012

No Man's Wife


They never saw
it coming.
By chance they
met on a day
of such a
sorrowful show.

In the loss of
his father, he found
many things in a
mother to scorn;
slowly his bitter
point of view made
his royal world a blur,
and in his heart
he grew deep a
fear of loving.

While all were
busy condemning him
she was already in love,
and so they tried to conquer
and divide what
they knew was real.

He warned her of
his poison;
she was not afraid.
He buried it
inside himself,
a tomb for all
the hidden.

It was just
her destiny to find
madness creeping,
to carry the tunes
of things she knew
but was never told.

So to the weeping
waters
she went, and
whispered all.

But the only thing
he found trust in
was that the pain
would never leave.

With every piece of her
she vowed
she would still be there waiting
for the final act.

Already numb from
the cold of all that,
the water
could never win,
and so she drowned
and thought it not a sin.

She has gone down
to her new kingdom,
dressed in bridal white.


                                                         
              by Gabrielle Contreras

Friday, December 7, 2012

Twelve Step Program



One. My uncle is a drug addict. Two. As I grew older, I learned that keeping everything and anything I received, was a mechanism I adopted for control. Control over things, I would keep in my life, so they won't leave. His addiction, my anxiety, his drug, my insecurities. Three. My level of fear grew when the people I held so close to me died. The more people who died, the more stuff I kept. I felt weak, and found it hard to trust or get close to people, knowing that ultimately, they would leave just like the others. They say only the strongest survive. I wasn’t strong, but I was sure my uncle was. I knew that I could get him over his addiction and bring him back to the loving uncle and father I knew him to be. I was sure I could mend the broken relationship he had with his son. Four. I was wrong for even believing that I could change someone’s actions, behaviors, relationships, thoughts, beliefs or addictions. I felt like my world had crashed down into a million and one tiny pieces. I always pointed my finger to other peoples' problems and the circumstances of the world and how they can be fixed. In reality I never noticed the three fingers pointing back at me. I was "Captain save-a-problem." You had a problem, I would fix it. Meanwhile, my problems were just a mirror of their pain. I needed to be saved; I just didn’t know it yet. Five. I was a result of a family member dealing with someone with an addiction. I was a hoarder. I would keep everything that was given to me. I wasn’t like the hoarders you see on either television or the ones in psychology books. If you looked at me you wouldn’t be able to tell I had an issue behind my smile. If I'd receive a homework assignment, I’d keep it, notebooks from the second grade I kept, clothes or shoes I could no longer fit I would keep. Everything I kept was a symptom of my problem. I was lost in Christmas presents, birthday gifts, homework and imperfections. I would say I would start over, but I never had the courage to start over. Six. My uncle signed up for the twelve week program, that would help him do a way better job than I did. I will not go to a 12 step program, I wasn’t the addict, nor did I want to know the meaning of a narcotic anonymous group. I was not the one with the problem. I had a battle of my own that I still had to deal with. I was a 15 year-old in my own 12 step program. Seven. Pre-Contemplations, contemplation, preparation, action, maintence. The process. The courage I had to change and stop thinking about changing and actually changing. I freed myself from thinking that everything and everyone could change. I can breathe finally and let go of the things I thought I could control. Eight.  As I looked at myself in the mirror, I was finally okay with the person I am and the person I am going to be. I decided to tell myself something positive each day. I was no longer afraid of losing people and began to trust again. Instead of fearing that they would leave, I cherished each moment, I had with them. I let go of all of the stuff, I hid all the problems I never told. Nine. My uncle was clean for a year. He finally went back to being the person who would write my poems when I was younger, the one who my mom was the closest with, the one who would make me laugh, who taught me how to ride a bike and say “NO” to strangers, the one who told me I was perfect just the way I was and treated me like a little princess and took my dad’s place when he was arrested. He was trying so hard to get his life back together and mend the broken pieces. He relapsed. I admitted I was powerless over his drugs and his addiction. I started to realize that it was no longer about him, but it was about me. I didn’t want to lose who I was in other peoples' mistakes and inadequacies. I learned from them and built myself on them. Ten. My most prized possession, which I should’ve been holding on to from the beginning instead of useless stuff, was my family. My inspired motivation came from my uncle’s indisposition. It taught me not to look at how I can change people, but to accept them for who they are. Eleven. My uncle died. After 17 years of always feeling different, that I would never be good enough, that my struggle will no longer be an option. That I could achieve my goal. All of the things that were positive in me. Failure is no longer an option. That I could achieve my goal. All of the things that were positive in me and all the things that were negative in me made me, me. Twelve.  I am finally able to breathe. I am finally able to know who I am and what my main focus in life is. In light of my uncle's death he has taught me things I would have never been able to teach myself. My experience, my struggle, my circumstances shaped me into who I am today. His addiction taught me that in life, that it doesn’t matter where you've been, it's where you’re going.

                   
 by Nija Howard

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

String Theory


Perhaps the world is held on a string,
twirling and spinning as days pass on by.
Obliviousness is sin.

Perhaps you'll learn how light wanes
as the tragedy of night
mirrors nothingness in the day.

Perhaps in a moment, you will say
" 'tis only an hour,
but an hour here today."

And if life portrays itself as spring in the sun
its beauty can't be missed
for in the night it will be done.


                                 by Joseph Ostapiuk